One True Love

March 6, 2010

Sitting in the park
I wait for you
You took my heart
You’re in my mind
You possesed my body
Yet still I wait.

I treated you cruelly
I loved you so much
it hurt

It hurt me
it hurt you
Yet still I wait here
for my one true love

I’m  waiting here in hell
No one hears my cries
Yet I wait for my angel
to come  free me  from my hell

But my angel doesnt come
because I hurt you, my angel
and  thats why I’m in this hell
In my life

I’m crying tears that no one hears

Authors notes: Cant remember when its from.

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Dirty Little Secret

March 6, 2010

Its been years since I last saw you, yet there you are and here is the return of my butterflies in my stomach. These are not pleasant butterflies, these are the type of butterflies that are half dead and make me want to vomit or faint. I’m full with dread and guilt.

You were so cruel.  You kissed me like there was no one else. I kissed you like it meant something.

“Who’s the girl?” I asked one day.

“Thats the girlfriend”  . You never said “my”  or any other term meaning she was yours.

“Oh shes pretty” I said.

“Really? I think shes ugly like you”

I  jumped at you with force and  latched onto your neck sucking and biting hard not to cause pleasure but to cause pain.  Did I do it to make you as mine? Or did I do it to miss you off?

Probably a bit of both.

“Look lets just go back to being friends. Just friends.” I said to you one day.

“NO!” You said.  “You’re one of my closest friends. Dont leave.  It’s silly”.   You continued to beg me not to go so I stayed.

Weak.

I gave you one more chance. You still wanted sex. I still let it happen. For a change I was the weaker one.

When  I needed you, you werent there.   Why should I stay for you when you couldnt be there for me?

I changed my number without a word to you. The last time we saw each other was to be the last time ever.

Sometimes I  want to scream “HE SLEPT WITH ME” but it will only hurt people so I continue to hide from her and avoid questions from her father.

Instead I live each day as the happy (somewhat moody) person I am until I see you again.

Before I even see you my body starts to react, my body starts shaking with nerves, my heart races and I look around in fear as  my eyes rest on you.

As soon as my eyes recognise you the dead butterflies return but  the fear lingers long after you’ve gone.

I still fear you and the dirty little secret.

Notes: Please dont make any assumptions this was written after the song “Dirty little secret”  by  the All American Rejects.

The unobtainable

March 6, 2010

I feel your eyes looking  upon me,
Your gaze sends a shiver down my body
I  smile back at your smile and your eyes look right into my very soul
Your hands touch my body sending a trail of fire right through me
Theres a light that surrounds us, making me feel safe and relaxed from the world.
Nothing else matters when I’m with  you.

Suddenly a darkness rolls through us, separating us.
You look at me through stone cold eyes
Your gaze sends  waves of pure  hate through my body
You can barely stand to touch me and when you do
My body still reacts to you, wanting to hold me safe
But you wont.
The darkness is staying for a long time

I dont know if I can stand the pain
All I want to do is be in your arms and feel safe.

At the same time your body being close to mine makes me recoil in the contact.  I want you but you dont want me.  Not even to make me feel safe.

I want the unobtainable

Authors notes: written years ago.

Lonely Gurl

March 6, 2010

Charlie woke up, her eyes adjusting slowly to the bright white glare from the bathroom tiles. Her whole body ached especially her right arm.

She started at it as if seeing her arm for the first time. Her arm was covered in so many scars and torn skin it was hard to find a clear patch for next time.

Charlie was twenty-two years old and had been cutting away at the pain since she was fourteen years old.  Today wasn’t the first time that Charlie had passed out after cutting herself. It was, however the first time she’d past out all night.

She sat, still on the bathroom floor, her arse cheeks getting numb; she rubbed her eyes and glanced at the ticking clock in the hallway she was going to be late if she didn’t hurry.

Charlie raced into work looking professional, refreshed and smiling happily. No one suspected a thing even when she wore long sleeves in summer time hot weather. She claimed it was always cold even though she had transferred from her hometown four years ago she hadn’t adjusted to the climate.

Sometimes Charlie just felt…. empty. She had nothing. Sure she had a good job, awesome mates but she never felt good enough. A boyfriend was simply out of the question. There was no way she could show her arms, or her body to any man. Not that she could ever get a man.

Charlie began to feel dizzy; there was a low humming in her ears. She excused herself to the bathroom and made her way quickly.  Charlie took the sharp blade she kept in her pocket and quietly pierced her skin, red blood spilled to the surface and she sighed a little too loudly but no one noticed.

Charlie was still cutting even though she wasn’t conscious enough to register it, she was in her happy place and that place was about to end.

Charlie passed out as blood poured out of her arm. She began to shiver.

Four hours later she was dead.

No one noticed.

Authors notes: The title of this is what actually got me into blogging many years ago. My how things have changed.

Untitled

March 6, 2010

The pain of the sharp knife piercing my skin hits me hard
While the memories of the past rush past my eyes
All the pain and the bad times out number the good times we had.
This was my god dam life and I aint sticking around to see it though

I see your face
Your warm eyes
Suddenly I don’t want to do this
I can’t do this any more

The knife slips through my pale, shaking fingers and falls to the ground
With a distant bang that seems to come from a distance

Everything goes quiet
My mind goes blank

I feel your arms around me holding me tight
You’re crying
I cant hear what your saying but your voice sounds harsh

I focus on your eyes
I begin to hear what your saying
“It’s going to be ok. You’ll be ok”

Then everything goes

Blank

Authors notes:  I cant remember exactly when this was written but it was years ago.

Dear Josh

March 6, 2010

Tuesday 23 March 2007

I awake in a cold sweat and run to the bathroom puking my guts out
I make it back to bed and look for you, forgetting your not there.
I begin to cry uncontrollable sobs…
My stomach begins to flutter with the kicking of our unborn child.
Eventually I fall asleep, my pillow soaked with tears.

The days go by and my belly gets bigger I’m so proud of our baby.
Today I get to find out the sex of our baby. I wish you could be there
But I know you wont.  It breaks my heart Josh.

The months went on. The hot sweltering summer hit in my last two months, making it totally   uncomfortable.

Two weeks over due and finally little Savannah   Jade made it into the world at 8pounds 10 ounces.  She’s totally gorgeous.  I don’t even mind changing her nappies or waking up every three hours to feed or change her.

I do miss you though. I tell her about you every day and show her pictures.  We went to visit you the other day.

You would have been a great dad.

I miss you so much. You’ll always be my true love.

The drunk driver that hit you is in jail still. His bail got denied.

Rest in peace baby.

Love always,

Samantha

Authors notes: Was written on the same day as the letter is dated, so a few years ago. This took me a while to write tonight. It wasnt the direction i had intended on and i still have different variations on my comp but this was the one i finished.